When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.
I did mention before that this trust thing is not a journey for the faint of the heart. Today was rough – very, very rough. So, my reading this morning took me to Genesis 22, the recounting of God asking Abraham offer his only son, his Promise, on the altar to Him. I can only imagine Abraham’s shock and second guessing, but what we see in this passage is a steadiness, confidence, and trust that blows my mind. In verse 5, he tells his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while the boy and I go over there and worship, and come back to you.” He’s being completely obedient, yet trusting that the promise the Lord has given him about Isaac will still come to pass. When his son asks, understandably, where the sacrifice is for the offering, Abraham replies, “…Elohim does provide for Himself the lamb for an ascending offering.” Hebrew 11:17-19 (NASB) tells us:
By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was offering up his only begotten son; it was he to whom it was said, “In Isaac your descendants shall be called.” He considered that God is able to raise people even from the dead, from which he also received him back as a type.
There is no dialogue of discussing, reasoning, pleading. I simply see obedience and a trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do, regardless of the circumstances.
So as I sat reflecting on that – a trust that seems to me to guide an unequivocal obedience, a confidence in a trustworthy Father who fulfills His promises – He brought to the front of my mind a couple of promises that I had folded, boxed up, and put away because it was no longer possible. I had let them go because the time seemed to have passed, and the process was truly one of the more painful times in my life. I figured I needed to just take my hands off and leave it to whatever God wants to do with it. But as I reflected on Abraham and his son, I felt the Lord point them out and ask me if I will trust Him in that, too.
I wept. I cried off and on all day, and I’m wiping tears off my keyboard as I type. This is way harder than trusting Him to provide for the bills. I remember some verse about those faithful in a little will be faithful in much, and I’m thinking, I’m so not ready for the much. I feel so bruised once again; I don’t have the strength for this. And still He asks, will I trust Him in all things.
I find myself repenting – not just repenting, but making teshuva, changing my direction. Instead of walking away from broken things and dreams, I choose to stand and make an offering to He who is Trustworthy. Instead of reasoning based on circumstances, I choose to trust in His promises. And in spite of the whirling emotions of fear, pain, weariness, etc., I chose fulfill my promise I made to my Father decades ago, that whatever He asks of me, the answer is yes.
I was talking to a dear friend about this trust journey, and how it was affecting her. I certainly don’t have the answers, I’m just glad I can show what’s going on with me. I get a text saying
I trust. But I’m scared and nervous.
Oh, boy, how I can echo that. I can fill several pages with my buts. I’m so tired at the moment that you’re lucky there’s a spell check, because that’s the best editing that’s going to happen right now. I trust, but the days are grueling. I trust, but my heart is still broken. I trust… but wait, why am I contrasting? Here are a couple of definitions for but:
– used to introduced something contrasting with what has already been mentioned.
– used to indicate the impossibility of anything other than what is being stated.
It seems like when I use but, I’m disqualifying the trust. What if I can trust (conviction, sense of being), and I can feel all those things (scared, nervous, tired, broken – the emotions)? Is it possible to trust, be scared, and still do what you know God has told you to do?
And let’s include another, because I will end here – yet:
– up until the present or a specified or implied time, by now or then
– still; even
– at the same time, nevertheless
I will leave you to ponder our good friend Job:
Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him.
– Job 13:15
As I commented yesterday, taking this time to reflect on this trust journey has been surprisingly strengthening, and quite honestly transformative. I feel like my heart is being repaired, healed, renewed – all of that and more as I make the choice to trust. Again, it’s not a perfect journey, but I guess that’s what makes it a journey. And I love it that my good friend over at Redshoooz has the heart reflection going on, and to see how it intersects, repeatedly.
So, I want to share some verses with you that I came across that ties these concepts together. I’ve posted a video for mood music, also 🙂
But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.
Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplication.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.
The Lord is their strength,
And He is a saving defense to His anointed.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart rejoices in Him,
Because we trust in His holy name.
Let Your lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us,
According as we have hoped in You.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah.
For he will never be shaken;
The righteous will be remembered forever.
He will not fear evil tidings;
His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
His heart is upheld, he will not fear,
Until he looks with satisfaction on his adversaries.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
Busy days in many ways – physically, mentally, and emotionally. There have been highs and lows; some days the highs win, some days the low. Walking out this reflection journey of trust, though, has been strengthening in ways that I haven’t expected. There are still dark days, but I know I will get through. Trust is my first go-to, not my last. It doesn’t always look or feel pretty, but it it’s there, and I’m grateful.
I was listening to a playlist put together by a friend, and this song pretty shouted out a lovely anthem. Enjoy it with me will you?
Redshoooz – The Heart
It’s a crazy, scary, exhilarating, confusing, crazy, and scary journey, you know? But as you take the first steps, no matter how small they are, the Lord proves Himself over and over, and you gain confidence that your trust is rightly placed. And even when things don’t go the way that you were hoping, you know that there is something else amazing at play.
I checked my account and it was in the positive. It had $1.47, but at least the numbers were black, and not red – I know enough to be grateful for certain graces. I remembered that I had my car insurance coming out on Monday, and I’m thinking, well, there is nothing I can do about it. Not. A. Thing. Payday isn’t until the following Friday, and a little money may or may not come in on Monday, but after my account goes red. But God has shown up stranger ways, so I might as well just give it up to him. It’s a waste of energy to worry about what I can’t fix.
Then I’m notified that I have some funds coming to me, and it’s just enough to cover the bill! Woo-hoo! In the same hour, two other unexpected bills show up. This can’t be my life, but it is. Oh well, at least I’m good for one. God’s got the rest, because I certainly don’t. But, when the check is written, it ends up being enough to cover all three bills. And the money on Monday will be enough for groceries. I sit in wonder, and remember a post I wrote years ago, Gather Not a Few. It’s a reflection on the story of Elisha and the widow and her son going hungry in famine. He tells her to gather jars, gather not a few, and fill them up. Here’s what I wrote, and what I remembered today:
Now, the widow, not really knowing Elisha or what was going on, gathered as many jars she could find, expecting he would do something. Why do I, who knows how big, generous, loving, etc, my God is, only put out my faith for a little blessing, or “just enough”, thinking that I can just get by?
Yes, I can trust Him for the manna for each day. I can also lay out my needs, and let Him handle how He’s going to arrange things, because, you know, He’s God and I’m not. I’m cool with that.
So, I headed to my Strong’s dictionary and saw a wealth of information. There are (according to Strong’s) 9 Hebrew words associated with the root word “trust”, and 5 Greek words. Of course I’m going to dig deeper!
‘âman; to be firm, faithful, true; to trust. To build up or support; to foster as a parent or nurse; fig. to render (or be) firm or faithful, to trust or believe, to be permanent or quiet; to be true or certain; hence, assurance, believe, bring up, establish.
Words carry weight, often times more than we realize. So when I say, “But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God'” (Psalm 31:14), I am cognizant that I am firm in what I say, and I will be faithful in that belief, and I believe in Him with all of my heart. There is no room for doubt in that. Amen.