Yet will I trust Him

Job 13

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.
Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him.

– Job 13:15 (NKJV)

This is choosing to trust, choosing to praise regardless of what is happening around and to us. Some friends and I were chatting today about grief, and how it is usually suppressed and hidden away quickly. An interesting topic brought to light was the fact that there are quite a few Psalms that are desperate cries, and often with no visible resolution. Today, there are not too many of our worship songs and Psalms that we know of that well and truly delve into the depth of despair that David speaks of when his son Absalom turns away from him, or his councilor and friend, Ahithophel betrays him. What happens to our praise, or worship, our trust when situations like that don’t ever resolve.

This song touched me deeply in the depths of my own despair just recently – determination to choose trust, even when. May we all continue to sing praise even when it makes no sense.

RedShoooz – Glad Heart

BYNA 40 Days – Day 6

If He so clothes the grass of the fields…

Matthew 6:25-34. Let’s take a look:

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This passage doesn’t mention trust – it exemplifies it. It’s what I thought about after the railing at God because I felt like I followed what He said but had no way to support myself, even to pay the most basic bills. We, rather I, have the concept of trusting Him for everything, and I truly do – to an extent. But when I have tried everything I know to do, and there is absolutely nowhere else to turn and no reasonable (and/or legal) way to eke out the next day, let alone the next week or the next month, I found myself hanging on to trust by a thread with one hand, and waving my hand with the other, crying out alternately demanding that He fix it and pleading with Him to know where I’ve gone wrong.

And time and time again, Abba shows me how he cares and how he’s taking care of me. I’ve never had to go hungry. I’ve always had a roof over my head, whether my own, or the kindness of friends and family. I have shoes on my feet and clothes on my body, and it has been repeatedly through unexpected resources that come exactly at the right time. And grateful though I am, I go back to finding out how I can depend on myself so that this doesn’t happen again. And as I came to the breaking point once again this past week, Yahweh once again proved Himself faithful and worthy of my trust, even when the world is pressing in, and provided finances for rent and food when there was no way I could get it on my own in time. And as I sat weeping in my car, grateful once again, this passage came to mind.

A friend had sent an update in which he said that simply regretting or repenting just isn’t enough – we must act to make it real. So again, I’m making a choice – acting out my repentance – and trusting God despite the circumstances. This journey is not for the faint of heart.

Redshoooz – Wholehearted

BYNA 40 Days – Day 2

Daddy

I wrote this poem some years ago, and I loved it then. But after I heard a teaching, I realized that I needed to make a change. The poem was about Yeshua, but as I went over it in my mind, I realized that all the attributes were of God the Father. There are many ways to interpret that, but I will just leave it at how much I love and trust my Daddy.

Daddy

El Shaddai?
– Yes dear.
I crawl into His lap and
look into His eyes.
I study His face,
memorize Him by touch.
– Nothing.
I just want to know You.
– I know, He smiles.

Abba!
Frightened by the storms,
I cling to Him.
– Yes, My child.
He becomes a strong shelter;
a Rock that draws me near,
One who is not shaken.
– Nothing.
I just want to know You’re there.
His strong arms protect me.
– I know.

Papa God
I cry.
I sob with a bleeding broken heart
dejected, rejected in my hands.
– Yes, My love.
He takes the heart,
bruised and battered by people and life,
and exchanges it for His.
Restored and whole,
I draw near to Him.
– Nothing.
I just want to hear Your voice,
feel Your love.
– I know, He says
and draws me to Himself.

Daddy?
– Yes, precious.
I look with love into His face,
nestled against His chest,
enthralled by His heartbeat.
As I sit in His presence,
absolutely embraced
in His powerfully loving arms,
words fail me;
not even necessary.
I enjoy just…
Him.
– I know.

Going Through the Valley

I have a poem I wrote during 40 days of fasting and praying. I like poetry and prose, it’s what I do, and it sometimes expresses things better than a whole bunch of words. One unique thing about this one is that it was a journey. I began it at the beginning of the 40 days, and finished it at the end. It still calls stuff out of my heart…

Through the Valley

Psalms 139, 23

Storms rage, the winds roar
The foundation shakes but stands whole
I hang on to that, my rock, my faith
The world tremors and crumbles
And I hold fast.
Then a whirlwind comes
Everything – Everything disappears
And my heart is plunged into blackness.
There have been many trials
Many obstacles, many attacks
Hurts have cut deep
as to leave me breathless,
And, I’ve found my way home.
And yet,
I stand here trembling.

It has never been so dark.

Lord…

There are no words
Nothing that even begins to flesh out
My desperation,
My need,
My heart’s cry.
The Valley of the Shadow of Death has found me
And I can’t even find the light that makes the shadow.
One step.
Another.
Making my way through the valley,
Broken,
Shattered,
Convinced of my Elohim and who He is
But feeling so alone,
So overwhelmed by the darkness.
A whisper of breath,
An ethereal caress,
And assurance settles deep in my heart.
“Yeshua can find you in the darkness.”
A hand holds mine
And walks along side of me,
Guiding me through the darkness,
No longer overwhelming or frightening,
But surrounding us in intimacy.

Yeshua…

His presence turns my upside down world
Into absolute peace.
The storms, the winds, the darkness-
Nothing matters.
He fills me and restores my soul.
It takes flight and I proclaim:
He is Everything!
My Everything!